Saturday Smiles

LOST LIBERAL
A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Right-Wing Conservative Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, you expect me to solve your problem, and you're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, it's my fault."


LITTLE CONSERVATIVE
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air.

There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.` Because I`m not a liberal Democrat.``Then,` asks the teacher, `What are you?``Why I`m a proud conservative Republican,` boasts the little girl.

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The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a conservative Republican.`Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too.`The teacher, now angry, loudly says, `That`s no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?`She pauses, and lets out a smile. `Then,` Lucy says, `I`d be a liberal Democrat.`

TOP 19 INDICATORS THAT THE ECONOMY IS BAD

10. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

 9. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

 8. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

 7. Hot wheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

 6. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

 5. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children’s names.

 4. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

 3. Motel Six won’t leave the lights on.

 2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

 1. If the bank returns your check marked as “insufficient funds,” you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

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Its a bird! Its a plane! No, he's Barack Obama and hes come to save the day!

A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, “Obama is a horse’s butt.” Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out. He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.

Shortly afterwards, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, “She is a horse’s butt, too!” Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.

He gets back up and looks at the bartender, “I take it this is Obama country?”

“Nope.” replies the bartender. “Horse country.”